The Sandbox Tree
by Drawing-Butterfly
Summary: Two Social Retards. Two twincesting Twins. A Host Club. And a whole lot of explosions. Who says love isn't in the air? Written by x-Malicious-Me-x and TheEvilMuffinToaster. KaoruOC, HikaruOC
1. Chapter 1

**T**_h_**e Sa**_n_**d**b**o**_x_ **T**_r_**e**_e_

Written by Both  
**TheEvilMuffinToaster** & **x-Malicious-Me-x**

Category: Ouran High School Host Club

* * *

**Chapter One: Unconnected**

**TEMT: **_**Hello, I am the mighty Evil Muffin Toaster. Due to lack of enthusiasm with my other stories -dodges shoe- I have dragged my lovable twin into writing another story with me :D**_

**XMMX: **_**As long as there are plenty of exploding trees, I am good to go. Slave-driver.**_

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"_Just two sorrowful people. Even dreams are forgotten. The echoing, singing voice of birds gone mad." _– **"Dance Site of Darkness" by ASK & Faneru (Seriously, there is not enough songs by these two)**

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**Chapter One: Unconnected**

Gray eyes roamed over the hideous object before them. Said object was a dress; a dress the color of butterscotch yellow. The dress was innocently laid across the bedspread with its thin sleeves spread out and the cuffs puffed out like a blowfish and the bell-shaped bottom, perfectly ironed with no sign of a crease in sight. An untied pink bow was lying next to the sleeves of the dress. A pair of brown Mary-Janes was located at the bottom of the dark xanthe-colored abomination.

"Hell to the no." The owner of the gray eyes confirmed. They belonged to a strange looking creature of the human race, obviously belonging to feminine sex. She had dirty-blond hair that stopped at her chin and curled in and resembled an 80's bob. Her scrutinizing dark pupils were dilated beyond the normal size, and her pale skin was covered in small blemishes and scars. She obviously wore no make-up and was dressed carefully in a pair of tight black skinny jeans and a black t-shirt with the words 'Death Note' blazoned across the front of it in bleeding red ink. Bangles covered her wrist, making clinking sounds every time she moved. One pale hand with long, gangly fingers was resting on her hip, while the other one covered the right side of her face. A grin that looked horribly akin to insane started to crawl onto her lips.

"Idiot," An Australian-accented voice commented in monotone. The gray-eyed girl dropped both her hands, leaving them to dangle at her side as she twisted her form to stare at the owner of the voice. This girl was slightly shorter and bore a serious smile on her face. Her gray, half-lidded eyes weren't as wide as the others, but they were exactly the same shade; just as deep and just as threatening. This girl had brown hair pulled back into a ponytail that almost shined purple in the dim-lit room. A pair of square glasses rested precariously on the edge of her straight nose and her gray eyes seemed to be staring off into space. The girl was dressed up black baggy jeans and an orange shirt with the words "Naruto" in bold font planted on the front of it.

"Honestly, Smam," The girl continued, "Can you get any more stupid?"

The black-clad girl, apparently named Smam, just leaned forward the shorter gray-eyed girl with one gangly hand on her waist and the other on her bent knee. An all-knowing grin crawled onto her face. "Oh my dear Twix, can you honestly expect myself, the great Smam, to wear that hideous excuse for an article of clothing?"

"Unless you desire to go naked, you have no other choice."

Turning her head to the side and closing her eyes, Smam put one long finger up in the air; a hand on her waist and arrogantly said, "Do not give me such a choice sister-twin; we both know very well that I would rather dance around in my birthday suit than wear that pitiful excuse for a dress."

"Please don't. The mental images of you prancing around naked are forever emblazoned in my memory." Twix held back a shudder.

"Glad to know I could be of some assistance, sister-twin." Smam said proudly and her hands fell to her sides with a clink of the bangles. She sauntered over to the dress and stared at it with such burning hatred that that Twix expected the thing to burst into flames.

Smam and Twix; two of the strangest friends one would ever have the misfortune to meet. Smam was the younger of the two, being only sixteen, but was also taller. She really enjoyed rubbing that fact into the other's face. Twix was the elder of the two, being seventeen, was pathetically shorter and deeply resents that fact. Smam and Twix had been born early in the year, Smam in 1989 in New York, and Twix 1988 in Sydney, Australia. Smam and Twix were aliases they liked to use after they were 'named' by the two who saved their lives long ago. Their real names were Sarah Rouge and Xara Xander. Sarah being Smam and Xara being Twix. The two had met each other in Winchester, England after the deaths of their parents.

"Are you expecting the dress to burst into flame Smam?" Twix mumbled, genuinely curious. It wouldn't be the first time something as spontaneous as that would have happened to the pair.

"No – but that would be pretty epic," Smam replied evenly. She stared at the dress with an unfathomable expression on her face for a few more minutes before deciding to panic. She threw her arms into the air and cried out.

"Something wrong, It?" It was often a habit of Twix to call Smam 'It,' as when they had first met, Twix could not decipher Smam's real gender. She never did figure it out until Smam actually told her.

"I can't take it!" Smam yelped. "It's like the dress is watching my every move~~!! It's extremely annoying when I think about it and it makes me want to set it and everything it ever loved on _fire_. Beautiful, exploding fire!"

Twix rolled her eyes as her pyromaniac of a sister began a long rant on the sheer prettiness of fire and how it slowly will destroy the earth in due time. Her gray eyes rolled in their sockets once more and Twix answered with a bored, "I believe the world will end in Ice. It is only logical. When the sun explodes, the Earth shall be spun off its axis and into space, and the absence of a heat source will freeze us."

"Moron! It shall end in fire! An exploding sun can't possibly throw us off our axis – we'll be caught in the blast and be incinerated!"

"It will be ice, my dear twin."

"Fire!"

"_Ice_."

"Beautiful, flaming _fire_."

"Whatever you believe, dear," Twix replied.

Smam frowned. "Hmm, you are not fighting back. Are you ill?"

Twix shot Smam a blank look. "No, you moronic blonde, I am in uncharted territories with _you _and being sent a school for insanely snobby rich children and that has a _dress code_. I mean, the school itself, sure, but a dress code? In which you must actually wear a _dress_?"

"Let's _not _wear the uniforms then!"

"That is an impossible notion, sister-twin," Twix replied. "We will get kicked out because we are not on a scholarship; we have to wear the unifo–" Cutting herself off abruptly, Twix's eyes glazed over. "Wait, Smam. I have idea."

Dropping onto her hands and knees, Twix disappeared underneath the bed. Smam slapped her face and sighed; her bangles jingling with each flick of her wrist. Soon a brown box was pushed from underneath the bed, the elder twin climbing herself climbing out and brushing nonexistent dust particles off her clothes. She picked up the square box with one arm, pushed the disgusting dress off of the bed with the other, and set the box on top of Smam's black bedspread.

"Fun box!" Smam said gleefully and moved towards the box, only to have her hands slapped away by Twix. "Owie…" Smam whimpered; rubbing her red hands. "That wasn't nice…"

"I wasn't born nice," Twix replied blankly. She rolled her eyes as big, fat crocodile tears started to form at the edges of Smam's sunflower-shaped gray eyes. "Stop crying; you look stupid."

"Well geez, aren't you nice?"

"We just went over this. I wasn't born nice."

Smam huffed angrily. "Just open your stupid box."

Complying with her sister's wishes, Twix moved to open the square box. She carefully lifted up the cardboard lid and whipped it across the room, smiling when it hit the wall with a dull 'thunk' and hoping it left a dent. Twix leaned over the box and flashed a wide grin at the contents of the box. Letting her curiosity get the better of her once more, Smam sidled over to her twin-sister's side and peered down at the box. The confusion was evident on the girl's face.

"Twix." Smam said.

"Yes, It?"

"What is this?"

"It's a uniform."

"But a **Male's **uniform."

"So?"

"Unless you are truly gender-confused (or were dropped on your head), this is for **men**. Ya'know, people of the Y chromosome."

"Oh I know, It."

"You do?"

"Yes."

"Well, _why _do you have the Male's uniforms?"

Twix just smiled.

The uniform, in Smam's opinion, was much better than the butterscotch dress that now lay unceremoniously in a clumped pile on the floor near Smam and Twix's bare feet. It was a indigo blazer with an emblazoned Ouran crest on its left side near the labels; a pristine O.R. Dark black pants were neatly unfolded and innocently laid next to the indigo blazer with the polished dark dress shoes located at the bottom of the bed.

"As sexy as it looks…" Smam said, lifting up the sleeve and groping the soft material. "…We're not dudes."

"Oh, but we don't need to be males to wear such a uniform."

"Sister-twin, I know that you are practically blind in your right eye, but can't you tell that we are _not_ male?" She poked Twix's flat chest. "And as flat as we both are sister-twin, we–" Her eyes widened. "You want us to…to…"

"To?" Twix pressed.

"Go incognito as dudes!!!"

"Correct." Twix answered simply.

"Why?"

"Shall we make a bet, Smam dearest?"

Smam's gray eyes narrowed. "What _kind _of bet?"

"A good bet."

"There is never just a 'good' bet."

"Touché." Twix answered. "But this bet you can surely not turn down."

"It depends."

Twix smiled.

"Dude, stop smiling. It's freaking me out."

The smile just grew. "It-twin, what is your favorite food-object in the world; something you can obviously not live without? Something you would surely die without."

"Pocky," Smam deadpanned.

"Of course," Twix's small smile twisted higher; revealing a demented grin. "Here is my bet. The one who can keep up the charade of being male th elongest shall win the bet; the loser has to buy the winner of the aforementioned bet any Pocky of the winner's choice for a year and a half – the length of our stay in Japan. Of course, if we stay longer, the bet still ends at a year and a half."

Smam's scowl twisted skyward and she grinned; the grin reached her gray eyes and she automatically covered the side of her face with her gangly hand. Soft chuckles escaped her lips and she extended her free hand towards her twin. Smiling deviously, Twix clasped hands with Smam.

"Have we a bet?" Twix asked.

"We have a bet." Smam agreed.

* * *

"Ha-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-r-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-i!" Two seemingly and overly obnoxious voices said in overly obnoxious harmony.

The fifteen year old Haruhi Fujioka sighed sadly; closing her book, knowing full well that she would never be able to finish it now. She was sitting at her desk in the back of the 1A classroom, minding her own business like she always did and faithfully ignoring the longing looks of the other female (and sometimes male) students. Class had yet to start and Haruhi was interested to learn that two students would be arriving to join the classroom. Two English children; she and the others didn't know anything more.

"Haruhi~~!!" The overly obnoxious voices said again and she looked up from the cover of '_The Thirteenth Tale' _and into the identical faces of her classmates: Hikaru and Kaoru Hitachiin.

"Hello Haruhi!" They said, wrapping their arms around her shoulders; completely ignoring the popping of the infamous 'personal bubble'. Haruhi sighed again and attempted to put her book away, but the younger Hitachiin snatched it away from her. His eyes narrowed at the book and a thin eyebrow rose.

"What kind of book is this Haruhi~~?"

"It is a gothic suspense novel," Haruhi answered. "It made its debut in England in the year 2006. It tells the tale of Vida Winters, the imaginary persona that holds the spot of the greatest author the world has ever seen. Vida tells the amateur Maragret Lea to write her biography about her past which has eluded everyone." Haruhi answered point-blankly. "It is a tale of death, angst, sorrow, incest and an edge that keeps the reader on their toes."

Hikaru flipped through the book. "It's entirely in English though. Can you really read all of this?"

"I'm halfway through it already, so I should hope so." Haruhi answered. She quickly grabbed the book out of Hikaru's hand and started to put it in her own desk, but Hikaru grabbed the book before she could and Haruhi attempted to pull it back. Instead of the book going down, the book flew over Hikaru's shoulder and sailed across the room like a bird in flight. The door had opened then and an unfamiliar male entered. dressed in the male Ouran uniform and a pair of ratty black and white converses. He wore square glasses and his brown hair pulled back into a ponytail that seemingly shined purple in the well lit room. The boy had no time to react when _The Thirteenth Tale _slammed into the side of his head with a nasty 'thump'. The boy's glasses fell off his nose and onto the floor; the crack in the left glass becoming bigger. Haruhi immediately stood up and sprinted towards the now kneeling-male, who had a hand covering his left gray eye. Haruhi kneeled down to apologize to the fallen male, but light chuckles drew her attention elsewhere.

Leaning against the doorway stood a nearly identical male with a strangely different hairstyle and had lighter dirty-blond hair, but the same deep gray eyes. He too was dressed in the Ouran Uniform and was keeled over slightly. One gangly hand covered half of the male's face while a Glasgow grin was in place upon the boy's face. There was a strangely feminine sheen to both boys, but Haruhi couldn't put her finger on it, so she returned her attention to the kneeling gray-eyed young man only to find those peering, scrutinizing gray eyes were fixated upon her. Haruhi noticed that the right eye was slightly darker than the other and had a scar slashed right through it at a 45 degree angle.

Then the boy spoke. "Is this yours?" He asked in monotone, holding the book out to Haruhi.

"Yes it's mine. I'm sorry it hit you."

"Ja ne twin~~!!" The boy at the door laughed. "I told you Twix that the extra pair would be necessary."  
"Yes, Smam, I know of your super-amazing Mary-Sue psychic powers – stop bragging and give me my glasses."

With a hand still on his face, the other long gangly hand reached into a pocket on the indigo blazer and pulled out an identical pair of square glasses. With a flick of his wrist, the glasses went flying towards the one named 'Twix' who caught them one handed. He stood up and strode over to the one named 'Smam' and slapped him upside the head.

"And that," Twix said blandly, "is what you deserve for being stupid."

"Sorry I'm late my chil – Oh hello there!" Smam and Twix turned around to see a middle-aged woman with a black-haired pixie cut and kind, almond shaped brown eyes. A friendly smile was on her face. She was about the same height as Twix, who was five-foot-six.

"Ah~~! You must be my two newest children!" The woman said, obviously this classroom's teacher. "I am Emika Matsuda. You can call me Emi-sensei." She looked from Smam, who still had the hand on her face, to Twix, who had replaced her broken glasses with the new pair. "You must be Saran Rouge," She pointed at Smam. "And you must be Xavier Xanders." She pointed at Twix. "Welcome to Classroom 1A~~!!!"

"Emika-sensei," Twix said in monotone, "I would rather you not call us our real names. Please call me Twix and my associate Smam."

"Smam and Twix, ne?" Emika repeated. "Those are funny names."

"As funny as they may be, they mean a lot to us, considering they were created by the people who saved our lives long ago in Winchester." Twix replied, and there was a small amount of silence from the teacher. Breaking out into a grin, she wrapped an arm around Twix and Smam, both bringing them down to her level. Well, she brought Smam down. Twix simply stood there semi-awkwardly.

"Is that right?" Emika asked. "Well Smam, Twix, I think me and you two will get along just fine. You two are twins right?"

"We have no true family connections, if that is what you mean," Twix replied.

"We are indeed from different families; I being from New York and Twix being from Australia, but we have known each other for twelve years and treat each as twins."

"You're from Aussie?" Emika asked. "Did you live in the outback? Did you wrestle crocodiles? Did you go adventures with a cowboy hat and a John Denver look-alike?" The teacher seemed genuinely excited.

"No."

Smam raised a hand though. "I've wrestled an alligator before, does that count?"

"When did you wrestle an alligator?" Twix asked.

"…During that trip to Disney Land."

"So you _weren't _sick."

"Ah. No."

"You were afraid of Mickey Mouse again, were you?"

"I am not going to dignify that with an answer."

Emika coughed. "Well now, my two new lovely children! How about you introduce yourselves – since you seem to lead such interesting lives!"

Twix and Smam were lead to front of the room by the small teacher. With a fleeting glare, Smam spoke first; the hand on his face falling limply to the side. "I'm Smam and I like explosions, Pocky, Manga, Anime and plotting world domination. I hail from New York, but lived in England for twelve years."

"I am Twix. I enjoy reading, blowing things up, plotting world domination, and climbing exploding trees. I hail from Australia, but lived in Winchester with Smam for the last decade or so."

"Ah, now that the tediously tedious introductions have been finished~~!!" Emika's voice took on a singsong type of tone. "Now my lovely surrogate children, time to hand in your homework~~!!"

There was a harmony of agitated groans and Emika gestured for the two siblings to sit in front two red-headed twins with a seat in-between Smam and Twix that was currently empty. But Twix learned from the boy who owned the book that hit her in the face that a new student was assigned to sit there; who, Haruhi or anyone else didn't know.

* * *

Smam and Twix were both at school; undercover and in disguise as males, but keeping their aliases as promised. They would also keep their aliases; those two who had given their lives for them would always have the satisfaction of knowing, Xara and Sarah would only respond to Twix and Smam. No matter what happened, Smam and Twix would forever be their names. It was as if Sarah Rouge and Xara Xander were two small whispers in the wind. Saran Rouge and Xavier Xander were just two…pseudonyms they were using at the time being; nothing less, nothing more.

After making the bet, the next day came and before school started, Smam had to started to puke at the fact that she had to act 'like a gentlemen' and couldn't 'blow shit up'. Twix of course didn't tell Smam that she _could_ blow things up since males are normally overlooked in those type of things, but instead mauled Smam and forced the younger twin into her uniform.

They were now both outside for no apparent reason; watching with boredom lurking in their gray irises as two male second year students from Class C were beginning to fight. Smam was eager at the prospect of a fight and knowing that both battlers were rather pugnacious, Smam had a good feeling the fight would be worth to watch. Twix, on the other hand, was watching the boy named Haruhi talk to some idiotic blond with pulchritudinous looks. She speculated the man was gay since he kept trying to hug Haruhi every few seconds or so, but was stopped by a black haired boy with rimless glasses.

"Twix," Smam asked.

"Yes?"

"I want Pocky~~!!"

"Go to the lunch room, moron."

"But I have no idea where it is."

"Then why are you asking me?"

"I thought you had the map…?"

"No, actually. You burned it with the dress."

"Oh!" Then Smam pumped her fists into the air, shouting a glee-filled 'YES!' as the two second years began to duke it out. Rolling her eyes at Smam's puerility, Twix turned her attention back to Haruhi. Some might call this 'stalking,' but Twix preferred to call it 'people-watching.' The black-haired boy was now watching the fight with his eyes hidden by the glasses. Then his gaze settled on her.

"Twix!" Twix felt Smam's gangly hands on her back and she went flying forward as something crashed into the table they were sitting at. There was the sound of breaking wood and Twix bitterly spat out the grass and mud that had gathered in her mouth when she collided with the ground. She turned around to glare at Smam to only raise an eyebrow.

She was in the middle of the fight between the two second years and obviously pissed by it too. They weren't even fighting each other now; just Smam. Suddenly, Smam grabbed the arm of the taller second year and slammed him into the other one. The second year who had the man slammed into jumped up and attempted to roundhouse kick Smam. She crouched down and grabbed his leg as it skimmed over her head. She grabbed the leg and jumped on top of him, flipping him over. She grabbed his leg and he started screaming.

"Get this crazy bitch off of me!" He shrieked. "This dude is fucking wacko!"

Twix sighed and picked Smam up by her collar and slammed the younger twin into a nearby tree. Smam scowled and crossed her arms as she slid down the tree. Ignoring Smam's puerile attitude, Twix grabbed both second years by the arms and scowled at them.

"Are you alright?" Haruhi asked Smam.

Smam rubbed a cut on her head with her long gangly fingers. "I'll be fine Haru-chan. The only thing that's been hurt is my pride! FORGIVE ME YANMA-NAY!" She shouted to the sky.

"Stop being an idiot," Twix chided.

"I can't be what I never was," Smam snorted with a puckish smile.

"Have you no pudency?"

"…no." Smam replied.

"How is that not a surprise," Twix replied sardonically. Her gray eyes then noticed it was no longer just the two of them. There was now six other men with pulchritudinous looks like the blond. The blond had wavy golden hair and periwinkle purple eyes, the black haired boy with the glasses had calculating gray eyes, the twins from earlier had reddish-orange hair and golden-colored eyes, another tall black-haired male with brown eyes and a short blond with brown eyes and clutching a bunny to his chest. Standing off to the side of the group was Haruhi who was helping clean Smam's cut with a first aid kit she kept in her bag.

"There." Haruhi said, pulling away from Smam. A tan band aid now covered the cut on her cheek and the blood had been cleaned up. Smam flashed a grin and hugged Haruhi, shocking the girl.

"Aww, thank you Haru-chan!"

Twix sighed.  
"I'm sorry, my sibling is an idiot." Twix patted Haruhi's back and began to drag the twin away.

"Wait!" The blond said, reaching out and stopping Twix by holding her shoulder. "We must know your name, fair prince!"

"Did he just call me a prince?" Twix asked Smam, who nodded. "Oh indeed, _prince_."

"Ha-ha."

Twix opened her mouth to speak again, but instead the black-haired boy spoke instead.

"Xavier Xander, Nickname: Twix, aged seventeen, birthday January 6th, height: five-foot-six, birth country: Australia." His eyes then turned onto Smam. "Saran Rouge, nickname: Smam, aged sixteen, birthday February 3rd, height: five-foot-eight, birth country: United States."

"'Sta-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-alker." Smam said in a singsong voice.

"Hmm."

"Mr. Xander, Mr. Rouge, we would like you to stop by our club~~!!" The blond said pompously. "Stop by the third music room today after school!"

Before Twix could voice her opinion, the host Club was gone from sight, leaving Twix holding Smam by the collar.

Things were starting to get interesting.

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**TEMT: **_**How interesting~~!! **_

**XMMX: **_**It sounds like Twix and Smam, to make a bet for food.**_

**TEMT: **_**Never doubt Pocky~~!!**_


	2. Chapter 2

T_h_**e Sa**_n_**d**b**o**_x_ **T**_r_**e**_e_

Written by Both  
**TheEvilMuffinToaster** & **x-Malicious-Me-x**

Category: Ouran High School Host Club

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**Chapter Two****: Chemical Reactions**

**TEMT: **_**Well, I am saddened by the fact that Fanfiction has no fucking AmericaXAustria pairings. Dude, it is a SHAME. They're like the best pairing out there! Excluding the ever awesome ChinaXJapanXKorea pairing and the amazing AmericaXRussia and ItalyXJapan. Of course to those not associated with Hetalia Axis Powers, then I am most likely speaking complete nonsense. –Cough-**_

**XMMX: **_**Loser. And happy crappy birthday; its wednesday right? –Hides plans to blow up New York – **_

**TEMT: **_**You REMEBERED!!!! –Cries-**_

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"_Come Little Children, I'll Take Thee Away Into A Land Of Enchantment. Come Little Children The Time's Come To Play Here In My Garden Of Shadows."_ **– Come Little Children by Brock Walsh**  
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* * *

**Chapter Two: Chemical Reactions**

"What the **fuck **just happened!?" Smam remarked.

She let out a _manly_ scream as Twix unceremoniously dropped her and she hit the ground with a thud. Smam rolled over; twitching slightly. How could Twix be so mean to her!? Smam was her sister after all! Alright, she knows Twix can be a bit of a bitch at times, but a bitch is a dog, dogs bark, bark is on trees, trees are nature, and nature is beautiful, so it should be a compliment! Smam scowled as Twix clasped her hands behind her back and stared at something behind Smam's fallen body. It wasn't until Twix walked over to the something and asked Smam:

"What kind of second year carries around a stuffed bear?"

Smam rolled over and sat up. She raised an eyebrow when she saw her twin holding a brown bear that was wearing a fancy collar that said: '_If lost return to Tamaki Suoh.' _Smam raised an eyebrow and stood up, brushed the dirt off of her pants and strode over to Twix, picking the bear up. She faintly remembered the meeting she had had with the Host Club and this Tamaki Suoh a moment before; stuff like that didn't stay in her mind for long, but... when did Tamaki show any sign of having this brown bear on his person? And when her mind started to drift towards the gates of perverted-ness, Smam slowly started to become mildly freaked out.

"Holy shit!" She dropped the bear. "Dude! I may have the attention span of a kidney stone, but I am sure as the grass is fucking marble green that he did _not _have that creepy bear on him! I know the little midget had a pink bunny that reminds me of marshmallows, but the tall blond – I know for sure that's Tamaki Suoh! – did not have this bear on him! Where do you think he had it!? Or had it already been left behind by him!? Had someone else been holding it!? I NEED TO KNOW TWIN-DEAR! WHERE THE FUCK DID THIS BEAR COME FROM!? I KNOW FROM WATCHING ENOUGH HORROR FLICKS THAT SHIT DOESN'T RANDOMLY APPEAR FROM NOWHERE."

During that rant, Twix had been zoned out, mind completely engrossed in the changing shape of a wispy cloud above them. Lazily, she decided that it looked like a certain unspeakable part of a male's anatomy and pointed it out to Smam.

Her attention completely diverted from the terrifying mystery of the stuffed bear, Smam let out an intelligent mutter of, "IT'S A PENIS CLOUD! WE HAVE TO NAME IT!" And a string of ludicrous names followed soon after.

Knowing that Smam was nicely occupied for the moment, Twix took off her glasses and started to clean them; ignoring the idiot behind her was much easier than it seemed if one knew It as well as she did. Slowly, Twix's mind wandered to what the type of club those men were a part of. There were seven members, including Haruhi Fujioka, the pretty boy Smam had taken a liking too. Those twins seemed fairly amusing as well with how they toyed around with Haruhi so much in class and in the halls. She liked the one named Hikaru – even though she couldn't tell them apart physically, Hikaru seemed like the more amusing twin if she judged solely by his actions. Twix was hellbent on telling them apart, though – if she could see the differences between herself and Smam, she would be able to tell those motherfuckers from each other.

One member annoyed her slightly – Kyoya Ootori. Or, that's what Twix thinks his name is. Hell, she was pretty sure they didn't mention their names at all, but she's heard the names "Mori", "Hunny", "Tamaki", "Hikaru and Kaoru", "Kyoya" and "Haruhi" all day. Kyoya seemed like a nosy person to Twix – she hated people like that; the ones who couldn't seem to stay out of other people's business. And if that bastard found out that Smam and she were indeed of the X chromosome, she'd be in the world of hell at his hand. And if word got out that Sarah Rouge and Xara Xander were in Japan, **she **would appear…Twix shuttered at the thought of the reason they were in Japan under aliases in the first place. Someone's blood would be spilled (Kyoya's) if their chance at freedom from that clinically insane fucking woman was destroyed.

"Twin! TWIN! ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?" Smam's voice interrupted the girl's thoughts rudely.

"Yes, Smam," she lied.

"Fred it is, then."

"... Fred?"

"The cloud! Its name is Fred." Smam declared proudly.

Another trait that was shared between Twix and Smam was that they forgot things so quickly it was like they had never been mentioned. Said cloud was one of them.

Twix blinked stupidly. "Was that relevant at all?"

"The penis-cloud is entirely relevant!" Smam's voice was lined with indignation. The cloud deserved more respect that that.

Losing interests in her sister's insane mutterings once again, Twix's thoughts wandered to what type of club it was. She guessed that they wanted her and her twin to become customers or something, or they wouldn't have bothered inviting them. Perhaps even members, though she couldn't fathom why... Well Twix didn't want to join and if Twix didn't join, Smam would eventually get bored and quit and just end up blowing shit up after school instead.

_Though if it's a cooking club_… Twix thought wistfully, staring at her idiot of a twin, who was now attempting to climb a pine tree, possibly to get closer to 'Fred the Penis-Cloud'_…I'm going to have a hell of a time declining their offer…_

Just the thought of food made her gain five pounds

* * *

.

The last class of the day was particularly amusing to both Smam and Twix: Chemistry Lab. A.K.A: The Class where you could blow shit up and **not **get in trouble for it. The thought of something solid being blown up by chemicals enticed a bright, cheery smile to appear on Smam's face and an aura of maniacal evil appeared around her form; which was particularly scary to the other students, unbeknownst to her. Several of them inched away from Smam's almost maniacal aura. From what Twix had heard, for the first half of the class they had to create fire using only chemicals which caused several students to groan in unison, and for the other half of the class they would be paired off with somebody else–Twix bit her cheek in worry that she would get paired with one of those awful twins – to search through the periodic table of elements and create all sorts of chemical solutions by combining a plethora of different chemicals. Twix's mind wandered back to her earlier thoughts about those god-awful twins… She wished mercy uponwhatever poor, unfortunate, innocent person who got stuck with Smam as their partner. Smam has blown more stuff up then Wiley Coyote, and could get particularly violent when faced with the opportunity for explosions that could lead to arson.

"Alright my lovely new students," Emi-sensei sang to Smam and Twix, who were seated a black-topped chem. Table. "You do not have to do this since you came la–"

"Ahahahahaha, like I'd miss the fucking chance to make something explode." Smam said in a cheerful voice, the dark aura around her flaring. Emi-sensei 'meeped' and slowly backed out of the room. Before she left, however, Twix grabbed the teacher by the forearm and flashed a creepy grin that rivaled Smam's.

"May we please borrow a fan?"

"Err…why?"

"A demonstration of three types of chemically-created fires."

"Oh cool!" Emi-sensei gushed. "You will _have _to let me see it though!"

"Of course."

And that's when the twins got to work at what they did best.

Over in Europe, in the wonderful country of England, in the city of

* * *

Winchester, a green-haired girl sat curled up on the floor with a note clutched tightly in her closed fist. Her green hair was held up by a thin bandeau and her startling green eyes were wet with the salty moisture most called tears. She was dressed in a green hanbok and obviously looked English. _Enter: Gustavia "Gust" Dorchester._ She then sat up quickly, the note in her hand crinkling as she heard the door to her room slide open. Gust turned her head fast enough that a thick, leather-bound book hit right in the face. She whined and fell backwards, the ridiculously large sleeve of the hanbok covering her whole face.

"Get the fuck up!" A male voice commanded.

_Enter Xero Steklasa._ An ex-arms dealer and the practical baby-sitter of the Baroness's youngest granddaughter: Gust Dorchester. Really, he had no idea in hell how he ended up becoming some brat's babysitter – but hell, the pay was worth it, even if he had to watch some bratty, green-haired, culturally-retarded eighteen-year-old. He was six foot in height with dark brown eyes and short, dark hair that he had a habit of smoothing down every few minutes or so. His skin was tan and he had long legs and arms; his wrists thin and his hands rather gangly and big. In the back pocket of his light blue jeans, the handle of a GLOCK Nine millimeter could be seen. Xero was a good friend of Smam's and knew all of her secrets and was always up-to-date – he even knew she was currently in Japan and hiding from the green haired girl – and could trust the idiotic blonde with his life. Smam used to have a crush on him when they were preteens, but that blew over when the younger twin fell in love with animated characters from various shows.

"Get the fuck up Gust, you look stupid." He mindlessly scribbled something on the chalkboard located next to the sliding doors and then erased it and flattened his short hair.

"They le-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-eft me-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e!" The green haired girl sobbed, throwing herself onto Xero's legs. He tried to kick himself free, but just ended falling through the paper sliding doors and into the hall. Gust let out a heart-wrenching sob before throwing the crinkled paper at him and crawling towards the dark corner of the room that was painted entirely obsidian-black.

Xero stood up and read the note.

_Dear Gust,_

_If you are reading this my lovely midget _(Xero snorted at the crack at Gust's short height), _then we have obviously esca– err, I mean left unexpectedly. Yeah, unexpectedly. That's it…Anywho, my lovely chibi, Twix and I have started to feel a tad claustrophobic and tied-down in your home; we can no longer breathe fresh air in that tiny excuse of a house. Even though it is just you, Xero-kun (Who still owes me five bucks), your batshit-insane grandma, and we: Smam and Twix, but we did live on the streets for four years. You should expect that we would have gotten used to the freedom – we did of course, the freedom to blow up whatever we could, sleep somewhere new every night, travel, and meet new people (though we were still anti-social back then – not much has changed in the twelve years). Though we love your grandma and her senile ways and, well, we will miss her crazy acts. Seriously. There will not be a day in my life when I see a fucking seventy-three year old woman riding a unicycle over a pit of bloodthirsty alligators. Tell the bitch I love her._

_And I'm sorry for leaving you like this, Gust, and I know you love me and see me as an older sister, but I can't handle you clinging to me and asking me to become one with you. I _don't _swing that way man. And –_

There seemed to be a large scribble and the style of writing changed; obviously meaning Twix had stolen the pen.

**What the idiot is trying to say is that she needs time to think, Gust. Out of the blue, you asked Smam to marry you and then groped her breasts like Im Yong Soo from Hetalia Axis Powers and proclaimed that they were yours. My twin needs time to think – we might be back in a year and a half or so. Please don't try to find us.**

There was more scribbling out and a few cross-outs and the font changed once more.

_Well yes my lovely midget, you asked me to marry you! I'm sixteen god fuck it! I don't want to get married just yet! And no way in hell am I fucking getting forced into an arranged marriage by your grandma – this isn't the fourteenth century. Nor will I ever marry you. I'm sorry Gust, but you're my sister. Hello? I may have strange tendencies tougern–"_

**Shut up Smam, you're wasting precious ink. Gust, we love you. And we love Xero too (I left Millennia under my bedspring – it's yours). And your batshit crazy grandma. **There were tear strains that Xero guessed were Gust's. **We'll be back in a year or two – don't wait up.**

**Love Smam and Twix. (Sarah Rouge, Xara Xander)  
**Beneath their names were the Korean kanji for Sarah Rouge and Xara Xander.

Xero inwardly leaped for joy at the news. Smam and Twix were out of his hair! The only problem now was an emo-Gust. But he had Millennia! _Millennia!!! _It was Twix's prized .38 Magnum Revolver with the custom-made silencer! Any Arm's dealers _dream_. And now it was his!

"Xero," A creepy voice said.

"What do you want now, midget?"

Xero looked up from the letter to stare at Gust who was grinning strangely, her arms inside the large sleeves of her hanbok. Xero immediately narrowed his eyes. Gust wanted to go find them; it was written clear on her face. Oh _hell no! _Twelve years and they are finally out of his hair! Even though Smam is one of his best friends (though he would never say that to her face), she was extremely annoying. Smam could keep up an intelligent conversation when Xero got done chasing down Gust and running into the janitor David who often annoyed Xero and brought down his IQ levels to what seemed like the single-digit numbers

"Know what we're doing nii-san?" Gust asked in a happy voice.

"Oh, hell no."

"Oh, hell yes! _We're going to find Smam!" _Gust shouted. "And we will finally be married! Kyahahahahahahaha!"

Xero chose that moment to make his quick getaway. Since Smam wasn't there at the moment, he would need to save all the IQ points he could before they disintegrated.

* * *

"Twix, I need two containers of Potassium Permanganate, a bottle of glycerin, a cup of dyed-blue sugar, a container of sodium chloride, a bottle of car-antifreeze, and sulfuric acid."

"Large or small containers for potassium?"

"Large please."

Emi-sensei watched the two twins do their separate work. Twix set up the fan and aimed it towards the ceiling while Smam set up three different workstations; one had blue sugar, sodium chloride, and sulfuric acid; one had Potassium Permanganate, glycerin, and green-colored water; and the last one just had Potassium Permanganate and antifreeze. At each station was a two-ply tissue. Smam was listening to music as she did her work and Twix seemed off in her own world – it scared Emi slightly of how experienced these two were with potentially dangerous explosive chemicals.

"Class!" Emi announced. "My two newest children seemed so experienced with the chemicals! Let us watch them work!" With some herding from Emiko, the class was gathered around the table on which Smam and Twix worked. Smam was obviously annoyed by it; she hated when people watched her explode things. It get really annoying when they tried to stop her from mixing the wrong chemicals and creating a terrible fire. Pfft, they are no fun.

"My twin and I discovered this with a dear friend of ours," That dear friend was Gust, who wanted to see the twins in action, "It is called Pyro-Fire. Obviously means 'Fire-Fire'. Don't do this at home, Smam's set the kitchen ablaze while trying this."

"Well you were in the bathroom and I got bored and Xero locked me out of Doro's room!" Doro was short for Dorshdaia, the bat-shit crazy grandma who Smam so awesomely praises.

"... Back to the point. We will begin now."

Twix took the two ply tissue and covered it in Potassium Permanganate before dipping it in anti-freeze. The two chemicals clashed for power and started to burn. Soon a small red fire appeared at the edge of the napkin. Twix turned the fan on and threw the napkin on top of it. Smam was next. She wet the edge of the tissue and dipped it in the green sugar before dipping it in the sodium chlorate; the sugar and sodium fizzed but did not spark. Smam then poured some of the sulfuric acid on the sugar and sodium and a large pop sounded from the smoking tissue. A green colored fire started up and Smam threw the burning tissue on top of the fan. Twix started on the last one. She wet the entire tissue in the blue colored water and then covered it in Potassium Permanganate and then dumped glycerin all over it. The blue and black tissue burst into flame and Twix threw it onto the operating fan. The hard part was over, and now the fun began.

It was an amazing thing to watch. Emi had dramatically dimmed the lights and now the three tissues – the red, the blue, and the green – were flying up and down on the fan; steadily moving closer to each other. Since the fan was black and blended in with the table and it surrounding; the bright balls of fire appeared to floating in the darkness. Soon the tissue was burned up and the three balls of fire was attracted together creating one big flame, the weight of the flame pulled it down and the force of the wind from the fan blew it up and it dissipated.

Emi let out a whoop and glomped Smam, nearly knocking the twin over.

"My dear Smam!" Emi said and Smam twitched. "You and your twin are so obviously experienced! Therefore, it is only sensible that I pair you with another explosive artist! Kaoru, come here!" The orange-haired twin from earlier hesitantly stepped towards them and stood next to the five-foot-six teacher. Emi pushed him next to Smam. "Now! You two shall be partners! And Twix! You shall be paired with Reiki!" She pushed the older twin towards a brown haired boy with sharp glasses. "Class! Gather your partners for the year and grab a book! It is time to begin the second half of the activity!" With several groans from the students, they paired up and Twix moved away, ignoring Smam's frightened look.

"Shall we get to work…?" Kaoru asked hesitantly.

"Uh-huh." Smam agreed, snapping on her goggles. "I'm Saran Rouge. Pleased to make your acquaintance."

"Yeah, you were fighting with those two guys earlier." Kaoru grabbed two books and passed one to her. "Are you a black-belt?"

"Nope. No arm strength whatsoever."

"Then how'd you flip that guy?"

"When my lovable Twix is in danger, my nurturing senses kicked in."

"Isn't the younger twin supposed to protect the eldest?"

"I am the youngest – I'm just taller than Twix, a fact I rub in his face daily."

Kaoru stared at the female-in-disguise before him. Some of the females around the school said that Smam and Twix were lovers and escaped from their English home because of the hatred towards their impossible love. Kaoru wanted to ask what it was to like to love the other half of you – even though the two were not truly blood-related – and asked if it was true love. But that would be downright rude. He silently thought back to what Tamaki had said about the twins….

"_Alright men!" Tamaki said, slamming his hand down onto his palm. "From what I heard from the lovely princesses, we have two truly real twincesting lovers! Xavier Xander and Saran Rouge. We need to find out their secrets so your own act can become more popular and more real! They must become customers!"_

"_But we don't actually know if they are in love with each other," Haruhi pointed out._

"_Nonsense my lovely daughter! The ladies of Ouran would never fabricate such lies!"_

"_Right…"_

"_Devil twins! You must get the two to come here!"_

"_Why?" The twins asked their imbecile of a lord._

"_We must learn their secrets of love! And their past too!"_

"_I thought Kyoya did a background check?"_

"_I found nothing." Kyoya said, appearing out of no where. "The only thing I found was the death of a Clarabelle Rouge twelve years ago and something about some boy named Xero."_

"_The Shadow Lord found _nothing_!?" The twins repeated. Kyoya knew everything! His shadow-like ways got the dirt on everyone, how could he not find out who those girlish twins were!?_

"_This sounds like a bad spy-movie…" Haruhi mumbled. _

"_Nonsense my daughter!" Tamaki shouted. "Those twins obviously erased all signs of their past when they fled from Winchester with themselves in each others arms and came here to Japan to find peace! They just want to fit in, and we the Host Club, shall help them!"_

Kaoru looked at Smam and watched him prance around with those iPod ear buds in his ears, the cord leading to the pocket on the blue blazer. Slightly, he could hear the lyrics of "Maru Kaite Chikyuu" by Belarus (Russia's fucking batshit crazy sister stalker and the only woman alive that can make him cry) and he was happily singing along with the lyrics.

"Hey hey older brother, are you pretending to be out? Hey hey older brother, Hey hey older brother, I can't forget the feeling of that doorknob I recently destroyed~! Open the door, Open the door, Open the door, I'm Belarus. Tell me you'll marry me. Pledge it, older brother~! Marriage…" He continued humming the song and he continued mindlessly flipping through the pages of his science book.

Oh yeah, for once in his life, he agreed with those crazy-ass fangirls.

* * *

"HELP! I'M BEING KIDNAPPED! RA-A-A-A-APE!!" Smam screeched as two hands grabbed her by the shoulders and dragged her out of the room. Twix shouted something in English as an identical pair of hands grabbed her arms and dragged her from the room. Emiko just waved from her perch on the desk. Smam attempted to kick her attacker, but he mindlessly chuckled and kept on kidnapping her.

It was Kaoru Hitachiin? Smam could not tell them apart at times – but she, like Twix, was hellbent on figuring out which one was which. She thought it was Kaoru; she was going to get him a name tag if it was the last thing she did.

"Why the fuck are you kidnapping me!?" Smam yelled.

Kaoru? didn't answer. Soon, he and his twin swung open a pair of big ornate doors that Smam immediantly thought of driving a tank through to see their sufficiency. She was rudely thrown onto a soft couch along with her twin-dearest. Two hands clamped down on their shoulders and Smam felt the cool metal of a pair of steel handcuffs. She swore and attempted to move to only find out, her left leg had been handcuffed to the leg of the comfortable couch that she was now chained too. Twix let out a string of violent swears in what seemed Australian-accented English that promised a slow death by sharp objects while being chained to quote 'a _fucking _Kangaroo and a Dingo.'

"Motherfucking faggots!" Smam swore, feeling around in her pockets for her trusty Swiss army knife. Damn it! She left it behind in England. What the hell?!

"Mr. Rouge," the black haired, glasses-wearing boy that Twix knew as Kyoya Ootori spoke. "I have done extensive research on your background –" Kyoya had to duck when Smam's almighty red pen imbedded itself in the wall behind him. Fixing his glasses, he continued speaking. "I did a background check on you and your brother and I came up with nothing. Why is that?"

"How the hell should I know?" Smam barked. "And why the hell am I chained up? And what is with this damn couch? It feels so soft! It's raping my skin!"

"Mr. Xander?"

"I am as clueless as my twin on the matter. I do not know why our background is practically nonexistent." Well, that was a lie. Of course the backgrounds would be nonexistent. Saran Rouge and Xavier Xander were only aliases, after all.

"Well we have another question for you." Kyoya said and fixed his glasses again. Smam's eye twitched. She was going to break those fucking glasses if they shined in her eye one more time…!

"Well what is it then? Because I am obviously not going anywhere." She shook the stupid chain that kept her prisoner for emphasis on the matter.

"Tea?" Haruhi asked Twix and Smam.

"Thank-you Haruhi." Twix said graciously, taking the cup of Chamomile tea. Haruhi looked towards Smam and she snorted.

"I can't stand Tea."

"But you're English!" The blond idiot from earlier cried dramatically; appearing from nowhere. Where the hell are all of these guys coming from?!

"I _grew up_ in England, moron. It seems I can't express this enough. I enjoy Frappicinos and coffee drowned in sugar. Now please shut the fuck up; my brain cells are committing suicide as you keep up this chatter." She looked towards Kyoya, her gray eyes cold. "Now what the hell is your idiotic question?"

"Are you and your twin lovers?

****

"_Smam, Twix? Why are you leaving again?" Asked a tale pale, gray-haired woman with bright green eyes and wearing a white and red Hanbok with ridiculously big sleeves. She looked quite funny in it._

"_Because we need to get the fuck away from Gust." Smam deadpanned. Seriously, she had a fucking _hicky _on her neck from the eighteen year old. To Smam, this was pedophilia – or molestation. Gust was two years older than Smam and wanted to marry the latter for some fucking strange reason. Ever since Smam had gotten her license, Gust has wanted to marry Smam. And Smam has been sexually harassed and violated by the green-haired granddaughter of Dorshdaia Dorchester. AKA: "Doro", the bat-shit crazy grandmother that treated Smam and Twix as her own and Xero as her husband (He will be the first man to go down in History with an irrational fear of old ladies)._

"_So you're leaving?" Xero asked, edging away from the old hag that smiling creepily at him. Stupid old people._

"_Yes, we are."_

"_Where is Gust?" Smam asked with a note of panic in her voice._

"_At college," Doro replied in a happy tone. Ah, she was amused beyond belief when Gust said she wanted to go into the Air force, but then the green haired girl changed her mind and decided to go into Law and become a Lawyer. Xero grudgingly agreed that the four-foot-two girl would be a damn good lawyer. Gust always got her way; somehow, someway, but she always got it._

_And that's what caused Smam and Twix to flee._

"_So you'll be heading to Japan?" Doro asked_

"_Yeah, she'll never look there. Well, she will eventually, but let's hope she won't go to such extremes and get over her infatuation with me…" Smam gulped and looked around. Only Gust could cause so much panic for the younger twin. Any minute, Smam expected Gust to pop out from a closet and grope her breasts; claiming that they are hers._

"_Thank you, Doro."_

"_No problem my lovely Twix! But will we speak soon?"_

"_Of course."_

"_I won't let Gust see the letters."_

"_If you do, make sure you burn where they were sent from."_

"_Okee-dokie."_

"_Xero," Smam said in a happy voice, "you've been my best friend for years now and have kept my IQ level from falling to the negative numbers. I wish you luck."_

_Xero rolled his eyes. Smam sounded like she was off to make a life-changing decision or sacrifice herself to some horny demigod. Though since she's running from Gust, Xero wouldn't be surprised if that was what she was doing._

"_Good luck Sarah, Xara. God speed."_

_The twins blew a kiss at the old lady (who caught it and dramatically swooned) and hefted their things over their shoulders and picked up their suitcases. With one final look at the bat-shit crazy Doro and the ever-sarcastic Xero, Smam and Twix left Dorchester Manor for the final time._

***

"WHAT!?" It was not Smam who screamed this out; it was Twix. Her aloof shield popped like a balloon as her anger swelled to dangerous levels. "How _dare _you make such an assumption! I love my twin dearly, but that is just and insult to all and above! Are you fucking stupid? Are you fucking moronic? Are you so ill-minded and have nothing better to do but to pick on the new children for some bullshitting rumors those ladies with nothing else to do in their spare time made up? My twin and I are not lovers! Smam would slap me upside the head and push me out of a moving vehicle if I tried to 'become one with my twin'."

The room went eerily silent and Smam's small frown turned into a grin as she felt her ever-trusty iron-cutter resting comfortably in her knee-high socks. Ah, she would fucking bear-hug Xero the next time they crossed paths for giving her the socks. She pulled it out and cut the handcuff on her wrist and ankle. She stood up as the blond idiot immediately tried to calm the angry twin down.

"But my dear prince, the lovely ladies would never fabricate such lies! The story of how you and your twin escaped from your London town under the cover of midnight in order to escape judgment from your peers for your incest-ing love you share for one anot – AHYEEH!" Tamaki let out a girlish screech as a four-inch knife imbedded itself in the wall right by his ear; narrowing missing the small appendage.

"Stay the hell out of my background!" Smam growled. "Twix, this was a terrible idea to come here. Fuck this, we should have gone to Canada – They have Tim Hortons."

"Why did you escape England in the first place?" Kyoya asked; eerily calm. "Was it because of Claribelle Rouge?"

Smam froze in her tracks upon hearing that name and her already-gray eyes dilated beyond normal size. She stared at Kyoya, fear in those gray-eyes of her. She then put on hand over her eye and smiled creepily before she spoke.

"She was my mother." Smam said sadly. "And no, she was not the reason I left England." Smam turned away; her gray eyes mysteriously full of moisture. She opened the nearest window and jumped out of it and the soft muted thud meant she landed safely.

"Nice job." Twix commented dryly. "Must you bring up the skeletons in the closet? Smam's mother was a woman I never met. She was killed long before her time." Twix picked up the forgotten iron cutter.

"Killed?" Tamaki repeated; his eyes widened.

"Smam's mother was killed by a former customer of hers. She was a prostitute before Smam had been born, but when she fell pregnant, Clarabelle gave up that job and raised Smam the best she could. Ends were always met – she always found a way. Smam still had a picture of her mother; her last one. Anyways, Clarabelle's older customer was back in town and found her and Smam. He got angry when he leaned his favorite whore wasn't working anymore and then he met Smam and came to the conclusion that the latter was his. Clarabelle fought valiantly and to the death for her little Smam, but in the end, lost. He slit her throat. Killed her." In a trembling voice, she added, "All while Smam watched."

Twix looked at her watch on her wrist.  
"Oh dear, look at the time, I must be going."

With that, Twix wandered over to the window and crawled onto the ledge. Before jumping, she turned around and stared at the Host Club and spoke: "I sleep with a gun." And then jumped out the window.

The Host Club had no words.

* * *

**_TEMT: Well, now that that's out of the way. The fun starts now._**  
**XMMX: You have no life.**  
**TEMT_: I know :D_**


	3. Chapter 3

**T**_h_**e Sa**_n_**d**b**o**_x_ **T**_r_**e**_e_

Written by Both  
**TheEvilMuffinToaster** & **x-Malicious-Me-x**

Category: Ouran High School Host Club

* * *

******Chapter Three: The Gilbird**

**XMMX: The late update was my fault entirely! Sorry~ I am a horrible Beta.**

**TEMT: … There was no update schedule in the first place. But I shan't deny the fact that you ARE a horrible Beta, because you delayed MY ALMIGHTY WHIMS!**

**XMMX: Wasn't that the part where you were supposed to make me feel better?**

**TEMT: You, sir, are a moron.**

* * *

**XxxxxxxXXxxxx---X-X---xxxXXxxxxxxX**

"…Aah, a beautiful world under my paintbrush on the canvas. Let's all take a toast with our boots! America~…" – "Marukaite Chikyuu" by America

**XxxxxxxXXxxxx---X-X---xxxXXxxxxxxX********Chapter Three: The Gilbird**

* * *

It was as if yesterday had not occurred at all.

Like it had been a waking nightmare for the younger twin.

After escaping the Host Club, Smam and Twix walked home and immediately collapsed upon their respective beds, erasing the day's events from their minds. Twix knew that it best to ignore the Host Club.

Though Fate had other plans…

* * *

"We are going to be late," Twix informed Smam. They were in the living room; medium in size and painted an egg-shell white, with the far wall having a sliding glass door (and the imprint of Smam clearly shown on its transparent surface) leading to a veranda that overlooked a set of woods. The carpet was a nice, soft ocean blue. Next to the sliding glass door was a plasma screen TV with several consoles hooked up, and underneath the small glass dresser it was placed on was a myriad of different games. Beside that was a large bookcase that held both anime DVDS, movies, Mangas, manhwas, manhuas and normal books.

Adjacent to the bookshelf on the left wall was the computer desk that was cluttered with several objects, the computer tower and the seventeen inch computer monitor and the leather swivel chair. Next to that was the treadmill, streaked with a dried red substance on the track that Smam refused to identify. Across from the treadmill was a large afghan hung up on the wall, depicting a large white wolf and a full moon, hanging overhead. And in the middle of the room was Smam's large comfy blue couch, two buttoned blue chairs, the clear glass coffee table that held chess set with a toppled white queen, and a cup of coffee and frappicino, a white futon, and an obtrusively large black chair that looked as if it would eat someone alive if they sat in it.

"I know, you moron!" Smam shouted at her twin; black toothbrush hanging out of her mouth; a cowlick sticking up prominently on the top of her head.

"What will we do then?" Twix asked; obviously being sarcastic. Really, it wasn't different from her normal speech pattern.

"I don't know….AHA!" Smam raced toward the sliding glass door, obviously forgetting it was closed, and slammed right into the glass. The younger twin fell back pitifully; another Smam sized print left on the clear surface of the sliding glass door.

"Any reason you just slammed into the glass door – again?"

"Not really~~" Smam sang. "But! Remember that awesome motorcycle I won off of Xero in a bet?"

"I'm still trying to figure out how wasted he was to bet a $1750 motorcycle in a game of Go-Fish with _you_ when you couldn't even drive at the time."

"I have a license now," Smam said happily. "Even though I have to be seventeen to have one in England–I am after all, a citizen of the United States of America."

"So you're driving."

"Yep."

"On a motorcycle."

"Yeppers."

"To school."

"Uh-huh!"

"With me on the back and no seatbelts."

"Of course! Let us go now twin!"

Twix cringed as Smam slammed into the sliding glass door yet again.

She looked up at the ceiling; her mouth forming a half-hearted prayer, hoping fervently that there was _something _up there she could blame everything on.  
_Why do you hate me so much, god? Is it because I don't believe in you? Did I piss you off in some former life?_

"Let's go Twix!" Smam grabbed the older twin's wrist, pulled her out the sliding glass door and slammed it shut behind her. Smam jumped over the railing of the veranda and dragged Twix behind. They sprinted to the garage connected to their home and Smam walked to the front of it, punching in the code that opened the automatic doors. After they opened, Smam grabbed her twin's wrist again, none too gently, (Twix could feel the bruises forming) and ushered her towards a cloak-covered vehicle.

"I present to you _Millennium Crosses!" _Dramatically pulling the dust cover off of the motorbike, the Green Lifan 200cc Motorcycle shined dully in the dim lights of the cluttered garage. The Motorcycle had a triple instrumental panel classy Retro design, the strong ABS plastic body and steel frame that would definitely be needed with Smam at the wheel. It was equipped with an Electric and manual kick Start and front cross-drilled Hydraulic Disc Brakes – but Twix had a fleeting suspicion that would not be enough to stop the maniacal younger twin. Provided with 200 cc 4 stroke air Cooled 14 Horse Power and a 5-Speed Manual Clutch Transmission, Twix knew that if there was a God, he truly hated her.

And as she was pulled onto the bike, her last coherent thoughts were:

_Fuck you, God. Just. _Fuck. You_._

* * *

"Do you hear something?" Tamaki asked Kyoya as they exited the limo.

Kyoya looked at Tamaki. "Please; it's too early in the morning to be dealing with your stupidity."

"But Mother! I hear screaming!"

"Schedule an appointment with an otologist then."

"But Mot–"

"You already dragged me here to school earlier than need be – shut up and get to the Third Music Room."

Tamaki backed away from Kyoya slightly and kept on walking, before stopping. Kyoya stopped too.

"What is it now?"

"Kyoya!" Tamaki shouted. "It sounds like two maidens are screaming for help! That means I, king of the mighty Host Club, must go and save them! Come and help me!"

Kyoya's eye twitched, but then he heard it too. Perhaps Tamaki wasn't as crazy as he thought. Listening hard, he could hear several things. Like…Two voices, the sound of a motorcycle…and a bird?

Shooting out of the forest and across the empty parking lot was a green motorcycle. Maniacal laughs escaped the raw-sounding throat of none other than Saran Rouge, the imbecile brother of Xavier Xander. Saran was driving the motorcycle and Xavier was holding for dear life in the seat behind the younger twin. He was apparently begging for his life and cursing out Jesus. Smam's short hair was flying out behind him and Twix…had a bird in his hair?

Kyoya took an obvious guess that they had taken the back roads from their own home, shot through the abandoned park, raced through the woods, and came flying out the woods at one-hundred and twenty miles per hour and in the fray a bird got caught in Twix's long hair.

They are now reaching the end of parking lot and speeding right towards Kyoya and Tamaki. Kyoya noticed that the motorcycle was going well past one-hundred miles-per-hour and then noticed the foot-high curb that separates the well-paved sidewalk from the pavement of the parking lot. Sidling out of the way, Kyoya thought immediately: _This is not going to be pretty…_

The green motorcycle attempted to slow down; the breaks screeching against the asphalt in an ill-attempt to stop the rampaging piece of machinery. The wheel of the motorcycle slammed into the curb and both twins – and the bird – went flying over the handlebars like a sack of potatoes. Noticing immediately that he was airborne, Smam flapped his arms in an imitation of a retarded bird in a futile attempt to fly like the poor creature that was lodged in Twix's hair. But gravity seemed to be against the younger twin and he fell like a brick into a thorny, red rose brush with the un-manliest scream Kyoya had ever heard.

Twix followed not far after his brother. The older twin fell right on top of the fallen younger twin and caused Smam to be squished farther into the thorny rose bush. The bird in Twix's hair chirped happily.

"Ugh, stupid bird." Smam complained.

"You let it hitch a free ride." Twix stared at the bird on his head. "What is its name?"

"Doesn't have one." Smam tapped his hand against his chest and said: "I hereby christen thee as 'Gilbird'. Now shut the fuck up, Gilbird."

In response to that, Gilbird bit Smam.

* * *

While Smam was being bitten to death by the Gilbird, Gust Dorchester was lazily sitting on the private jet her grandmother owned, annoying the hell out of the stewardess and the steward by commanding different things and objects; knowing that they could full not disobey her wishes since these jobs paid a lot and she was the granddaughter of their employer. In other words: Do not piss this bitch off or no money for you. The eighteen-year-old mastermind was once more dressed in a light purple and dark blue hanbok; the ridiculously large sleeve flapping in the air when she waved for the stewardess to come by.

During this time, Xero was slamming against his head against the window; his brain cells committing mass suicide with each passing second.

He was hoping that if he did it enough times the window of the airplane would break and the sharp pieces of glass would lodge itself in his face and kill him, or possibly cut some vital artery that would cause him to bleed out in minutes. Or if he wasn't lucky enough to get enough glass in his face, the force of pressure would force him out of the airplane and cause him to fall to his doom.

So he continued to repeatedly slam his head against the window.

"Let's build a fort!" Gust said, smacking Xero in the shoulder.

"We're on an airplane."

"WITH PILLOWS!" Gust shouted and for emphasis, she smacked Xero–hard–with the aforementioned pillow.

"No."

"Please?"

"Fuck no!"

"Puh-lease!"

"That shit might work on your batshit crazy grandma, but it doesn't work on me, Gust. You know that."

There was silence between the two for a bit – where Xero had started slamming his head against the window again – before Gust spoke up; her voice uncharacteristically soft for once unlike her naturally loud voice.

"Xero."

The aforementioned boy looked up from slamming his head against the window to stare at his charge and grunted to confirm he was listening.

"How did you and Smam-nee meet?"

"…I will proceed to silently ignore you." And the glass met his forehead once more.

"Oh come on!" Gust complained, throwing her arms into the air childishly (but only to end up hitting herself in the face with her large sleeves).

"I am not going to tell you. So buzz off."

"I can't 'buzz off' as you so rudely put it, you wanker. I am not a fly."

"Go the fuck away."

"But don't you want to know where we are going!?"

Xero grunted. "Moron, as soon as this plane fucking lands – which I hope is soon – I am taking the plane to Japan. I have permission from your crazy grandma."

"Why to Japan?"

"I have a business meeting with an old associate of mine to see if the silencer Twix gave me can be custom-fitted to fit my twenty-two caliber."

"Oh okay!"

Xero thought that was the end of the moronic conversation he always seemed to have with Gust and turned away from the stupid English teenager to continue his head-slamming against the window, but Gust's cold hand was placed eerily onto his shoulder and he raised an eyebrow at the green-haired girl, silently questioning the dark aura that had easily taken its place around Gust; destroying all trace of her innocent attitude.

"Tyler," Gust said; making use of Xero's birth name. The cold hand on his shoulder moved to his knee. "If I discover my precious Smam-nee-chan has been in Japan all this time and you _didn't _tell me, Millennia is going to be shoved where the sun doesn't shine, da?" The cold hand on Xero's knee patted said-knee comfortably before moving away. Gust put her hands in her sleeves and the dark aura disappeared; the innocent aura taking place once more.

"Where are you going anyway?"

"Smam's birth-town," Gust said happily. "I will then go to Australia to Twix's birth town, from which I will then fly back to Canada. We will meet in Toronto, da?" With a smile, she grinned innocently at her guardian. "From which we will then proceed to different states and countries in this order: Alaska, Hawaii, Russia, China, Hong-Kong, Austria, Germany, France, Siberia, Japan, Belarus, Italy, and then to Egypt!"

"These are entire countries, Gust. How in hell do you plan to find Smam?"

The grin in place on Gust's face was menacing. "I have my ways, Xero. I have my ways."

And with that, Xero proceeded to slam his head against the window once more.

* * *

"Ah shit, I think my wrappings came undone." Smam moaned, peeking underneath her shirt. "Damn it, I will be pissed if I get blood on my shirt."

"But you're never pissed when someone else's blood gets on your clothes," Twix pointed out, brushing off her ripped pants.

Smam stared blankly at her twin. "Hello you moron, that is an excuse in itself."

"What about this bird?"

Smam lifted her long gangly hand up and made a chirping sound; Gilbird chirped in response and flew away from Smam and landed softly on one of her outstretched fingers. She and Gilbird Eskimo kissed for a tad; successfully ignoring those around her.

"It," Twix said. "Stop raping the bird. We better get to class or we'll be late.

"You won't be late." Tamaki said.

"We won't?"

"You're early!"

Smam froze and her happy aura melted away like an ice cube placed under a lamp to be replaced by a blazing-red background. Twix stared at the background. What the hell was that? Does this happen all the time? Random backgrounds appearing from seemingly no where and people's eyes start to glow red? Twix was so preoccupied in staring at her twin's flaming red background, she didn't notice Smam slink towards her; her hands stretched out in front of her.

It was too late.

Smam's hands wrapped around her twin's jugular in a primitive fashion and knocked the older twin to the ground. The Gilbird on Smam's head cheeped at the sudden display of violence between the two.

"DAMN IT TWIX! YOU MOTHERFUCKER! YOU TOLD ME WE WERE LATE YOU ASSHOLE! MY ASS HURTS NOW AND MILLENNIUM CROSSES MIGHT BE BROKN AND MY FOOT ITCHES AND FOR SOME FUCKING STRANGE REASON I'M SCREAMING AT YOU! NOW MY VOICE HURTS!"

Twix didn't answer; she already passed out.

* * *

The flaring dark aura that Smam possessed normally was eerily replaced by the jaunting wall of blazing fire that represented her boiling, sometimes uncontrollable anger. Her uniform was ripped at the seams and blood from the wound she acquired was somehow bleeding though, and the Gilbird was still in her hair like a faithful pet. Twix was sitting next to Smam, wearing a bright pink scarf to hide Smam's strangling marks on her neck. The nearly invisible dark aura that Twix possessed was flaring madly with anger and was even angrier than the younger twin's. The twins who sat behind Smam and Twix (Kaoru behind Smam, Hikaru behind Twix and the empty desk that belonged to the new, unknown kid that separated the girl sisters) peered at them in confusion. Their auras were battling for dominance.

Emi-sensei, oblivious to Twix since Twix told her that she didn't speak like a retard (Australian-slang), jumped to conclusion at Kaoru's staring at Smam and Smam's flaring dark and angry aura.

"Smam-kun!" Emi-sensei shouted, causing the attention of the crossdresser, the homosexual twins, Twix and Smam. "Are you fighting with my other explosion-artist, Kaoru Hitachiin-san?!"

"What?" Smam asked, completely dumbfounded. Was her teacher _that _stupid? "No, that's–"

"I knew it! I knew it was a bad idea putting two geniuses together! You two are obviously angry with each other at the fact you can not do your own thing during Chemistry!"

"That has noth–"

"Am I that bad?!"

Smam didn't answer; she just leaned down and pretended to cut her wrist multiple times with her pen; a look of annoyance on her face from her teacher's stupidity.

"Oh! I'm such a terrible, terrible, _terrible_ sensei!" Emiko climbed up onto her desk and onto her knees, her arms up in the air. "Please forgive me god!" Tears started sprouting out of Emiko's eyes and she began to sob. Immediately, Smam stood up and ran to the front of the class; repeatedly poking Emiko in different places; shouting:

"Where in fuck is the off button!?"

All of a sudden, Emiko darted down the rows and to the back of the classroom, grabbing Kaoru's wrist (who was blissfully ignoring Emiko and talking to Haruhi) and pulled him to the front of the class. Almost ninja-like, she spun around and slammed both the Host club member and the New-Yorker into the storage closet. Gilbird tweeted happily as the door slammed in the face of Smam and Kaoru, who had identical faces that clearly expressed what they could not say.

_What the fuck!?_

Emi-sensei turned away from the closet and went back to sit on the top of her desk like the vertically-challenged teacher she was.

"Alright class, take out your text book!" She commanded.

"But what about Kaoru?" Hikaru and several girls from the right side corner of the room asked angrily while the right side stayed obediently silent.

"And Smam?" Twix asked.

"Oh they are in my Closet-of-Doom-and-Love because they are so tense with one another! And they are staying in there until they solve their differences! Now get to work everybody, we have a quiz Friday!"

***

In a magical castle far, far away, two annoyed teenagers were locked in a storage closet. Oh locked in a storage closet they were. One of the two occupants was a member of the valued and praised Host Club and has a fellow twin. The other occupant was a cross-dressing female who was being stalked by a green-haired eighteen-year old and had a twin herself.

And they were locked in a closet.

"How long has it been since she threw us in here?" The cross dresser calmly asked the Host Club member.

"Four hours," The host club member sighed.

"Cheep-cheep!"

Oh yes, the Gilbird was locked in the room with them too.

"Four. Long. Boring. Hours." As each word was said, the cross dresser's head slammed against the door.

"The Host Club will be starting soon…."

"I have to go pee." Smam said blankly.

"I could have lived my entire live without knowing that," Kaoru said dryly.

"In Soviet Russia: Road forks you!"

"…How long are we going to be stuck in here?"

"As long as it takes for them to remember us. It only takes six brain cells." _All of which Twix lack… _"The Host Club doesn't have two brain cells to rub together," Smam noted. "We're going to be here a long time…"

* * *

XMMX: That was... random.

TEMT: Damn straight. I think this is verging on a crackfic. Which, for some inexplicable reason, reminds me: PLEASE REVIEW!

XMMX: Your mind works in strange ways.


End file.
